Wednesday, May 27, 2015

meeting people (notes)

Tonight's notes for open mic at Wiseguys Comedy in SLC. Video hopefully later!

So you may have noticed I’m … uhhh … you know … recognizable??
If you see me on the street tomorrow, you’ll know you saw me here tonight.
Me? I’ll be wondering who the hell you are. Plus, I’m old, so it’s even worse!

When I first moved here, I went to Taco Bell one day. They were polite, and the food was ... yeah ... Taco Bell. The exact second time I went, though, the manager goes:
I’ll just GIVE you the drink.
You’re here all the time!

Free stuff is always good!
But you all keep me laughing, as well! People really stumble over how to just ask the obvious question:
What’s wrong with your hands?

A couple weeks ago, Christopher Titus straight up asked me.
He’s the rare adult, though.

Kids are waaay better at it. They just ask ... and ask ... and ask!
I usually just patiently say:
I was born like that.

One time, though, I didn’t warn a friend that I’d gotten sick of being polite about it. So when some poor kid asked the usual:
What’s wrong with your hands?

I started in on how I’d been in a horrible plane accident.

The kid was impressed, but my friend tried lecturing me about how rude I was.

Now, thanks to my new buddy, Jacob Leigh, I have an even better response:

I’ll just look them straight in the eye and say:
WHAT!!!? So my mom slept with a T.REX! What do YOU care?

But sometimes even the kids are shy. Especially when they have someone eles to ask.

I went to church for the first time with my new roommate, Mike. He’s one of those cool guys who all the kids loved.

After the meeting, I headed to the bathroom, and apparently, all the kids gathered around Mike.
They all started asking him questions about me.
Is that your new roommate?
What’s his name?

Then, of course, they got to the usual:
What’s wrong with his hands?

Mike didn’t really know what to say, so he said:
Nothing, why?

One of the boys dropped his jaw in horrified wonder!

So I’m Mitch Nelson. Thanks for coming out tonight!

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